How fucked up someone can be

How do you know if you are really in love with someone or if you’re only in love with the idea of the relationship it could be? Can you actually be in love, truly in love with someone you’ve never even met for real?

It’s been 2 years, 3 months and 24 days since my last relationship ended…
Three days more since the last hug or kiss in a boyfriend-girlfriend kind of way.
That’s 72.835.200 seconds since the last time.
(I could tell you how many minutes or hours that are as well, but that would become quite boring.)
That’s a very long time… and my body is telling me it’s too long.

But instead of helping me, my body makes me jump on every little maybe someone gives me. Even just being friendly makes me going all over the top.

And now there’s this someone I’ve met online. We’ve been chatting for months now, even with webcams and everything. He’s telling me he’s in love with me and I definitely feel something, but I don’t know what. Am I in love with him? Am I in love with the feeling he gives me? Am I only in love with the idea of not being single anymore? Or is it just my mind that’s playing freaking tricks on me? 

What do you know about me? Do you know what my favourite colour is? What kind of food I like? If I like sports? Which sports? What kind of personality do I have? What kind of studies I’m doing? Do you know I’ve spent my past in hospitals every so often or why it was like that? 

Same goes in the other direction. I really don’t know that much about you. I know you love playing the guitar, although I still don’t understand why you quit the band you obviously loved so much. I know you’re really tall and you have a sister, but facebook told me that, not you.
Do you like sports? Do you have any hobby’s besides playing your music? (Do I have any?)
Why are you so insecure about me liking you? Liking, not loving, no accident. (Do you even know I am probably even more insecure then you are, but I just stopped showing it because people were so cruel to me?)

There are so many doubts and questions in my mind and I’m quite freaked out by the speed of how you’re taking me down. You're talking about sleeping together and everything, but you still have no clue how my voice sounds like. (Just to give an examle.) It's going way to fast, way to deep and I'm just so afraid I'm going to end up breaking your heart just because of that.
That's probably the only thing I've learned from my ex-lovers... how to crush a heart.

This song probably tells that story very well...

A friend wrote something on his blog recently...

“You know, maybe if you just relaxed for half a second, and stopped looking so hard for the appropriate life mate, then you might wake up one morning next to one.” (D.H.)

And maybe that’s my problem. No-one has ever gotten in my bed. No-one has ever even reached to the step of getting into my pants. Not that they didn’t wanted… I just couldn’t.

Anyway... I have to choose between what my mind says and what I THINK my heart is saying.
Either way... my mind has fucked me up pretty well... I guess a really rough past is to blame.
And I thought writing it all down would give me a hint... but I still have absolutely no clue.

This ain't going to work. I've got an exam tomorrow so I'm going to shut this thing called a computer down..

Love you all.