Hot 'n cold

"Cause you're hot, then you're cold..."

Katy Perry says a lot with those few words.

Sometimes you're hot, in every possible way.
Hot as in hot. No Explanation necessary I believe.
And then hot as in warm, sweet, funny, caring, ...

Then comes cold.
Short answers, no answers, keeping me out, as if I'm a burden you have to get rid of.

And you switch all the time. One day it's hot, the day after you might act cold as ice.
I never know what to expect anymore.

Sometimes I believe you think you bear the weight of the world on your shoulders,
nothing's going right...

What did I do wrong?
All I want to do is take some of that weight off of you, maybe even all of it, just to see you happy.
But you never let me, always shutting me out when it get's serious.

I don't know how to get through to you.
But I promise you, whether you want it or not, whether you believe it or not...
I'm not going to let you fall.
Never going to let you fall.

Maybe it's time for me to fight.
For real this time.

Approximately calculation is shows off 2 320 644 660 people are single in our world.
We're not going to be one of them for the rest of our lives.

Dream catchers and nightmares

Sir Peter Ustinov once said: "Unfortunately, a superabundance of dreams is paid for by a growing potential for nightmares." 

What are nightmares?
Why do we have them?
Do they tell us something about ourselves?
Do dream catchers really keep them at bay?

So what is a nightmare?

Nightmare is the fifth studio album by American heavy metal band Avenged Sevenfold, released on July 27, 2010 through Warner Bros. Records.

 Okay, that a joke.
It's not that kind of nightmare I'm talking about.
But you knew that already, didn't you?



I've had these nightmares for months now.
Every night, always new ones.
Always waking up with my heart racing, beating so hard it feels like it's going to pop out of my chest.
Never able to close my eyes again afterwards.

Getting murdered, getting assaulted, getting raped, being held captive, being beaten up, being chased (not in a good way)... It keeps on going and it never stops.

My dad used to make this little joke when I was little...
"What mares?" He always asked. I used to think it was funny...
Now I don't think it's funny anymore. I love horses. I hate the nightmares.

Maybe I don't hate the nightmares,
but I do hate how they make me feel.
Scared, small and alone.
Sometimes I think it would be better
if I wouldn't be alone at night.
But it's not like we live in a fairy tail, is it?
I can't wish for someone by my side.
Someone to be there for me, to calm me down,
to keep the nightmares away...
'Cause the dream catcher on my wall doesn't seem to help.

Yo Ho! A student's life for me

"The time you spend being a college student is the best time of your life."

At last that's what all grown ups say.
No, I don't consider myself being a grown up.
Not really. Not yet.

I'm a student.
I don't get drunk all the time, but I like to go to a party once in a while.
I live for my friends and music.
(Currently playing)
I blend in quite well I guess.
I don't stick out that much I guess.
Occasinally I'm the one sitting in the reading area of the school library.
Music plugged in, reading an actual book, not a magazine or comics.
Okay, maybe I'm quite a bit geeky rather than an average college student sometimes...

About a month ago I gratuated. Major: Psychology.
Things I planned to do/have after I got my diploma:
- Get a student job for a couple of weeks
- Maybe travel a bit
- Be in a steady relationship
- Start looking for an actual job
Things that actually happened:
- Went back to school and opted for a second major: Human Resources Management.

I'm one of the 224.947 students who registered this year.
I guess my subconscious missed the crappy classrooms, lousy communication and the horrible organising skills of college already after barely a week even though the first college education was quite hard on me. To top the already busy schedule off I registered for an extra French class and I got back to horseback riding.

Life versus me: 1-0.
I must be plain crazy...
I've got my psychology degree.. should be able to tell if I am...
 Scared to face the real world or strong enough to face the nightmare again?

waiting

I’m still waiting for you.
I’ll always be waiting for you.
But the thing is
I’m starting to believe
you’ll never come for me.

Maybe I’m plain stupid.
Not good enough.
Never will be good enough.
Prying hope out of your contradicting words.
Always hoping.
Useless hoping?

Just cannot stop waiting.
I cannot give up.

I’m waiting.
Still waiting.
Will always be waiting
for you.

28/07/2013

Struck by lightning

Who are we?
Would we be the same if we walked on different roads,
if we had made different choices along the way?

What if I had told that person what was on my mind back then?
What if I hadn't let that one girl get to me, break me down?
What if he would've given us a chance?
What if I had chosen another major in college?
What if I was a better student?
Would things be different if I had been better at mathematics?
Could I be a better me?
Should I be?

Will I be rewarded when I work hard to bring about my dreams?
Does it even matter at all?
Do I matter?

We all think about it sometimes, don't we?

Now you ask me, where does this come from? Why go all 'dark side'?
I saw this movie called 'Struck by lightning'.
It's a Chris Colfer-movie and it's about this kid, Carson.
His mom ended up a mess, due to a marriage that went horribly wrong.
And he, he's just doing anything he can to make his dreams come true.
And at the end of the movie...
- sorry, spoilers here (but not really they show it to you at the beginning of the movie) -
... he gets struck by lightning.
(If you want to know what actually happens: watch the movie!)

So I guess the question isn't really 'Do I matter?' but 'Has me being me changed anything?'.
Say I'm gone tomorrow, will I have left my mark? Will I have made a difference?
Is there going to be one person, only one, whose life would be different if I hadn't been alive?




Whit that one to think about, I'm signing out.
xoxo

Salut Marseille

Hey guys,

It's been a while, I know, but it's really been a hectic time...
And it's far from over.

But... I've been to Marseille for a week. That's in France.
(For those who don't speak French: "Salut Marseille" is French for "Hello Marseille")

The main reason: school.
Half of the time we had to visit organisations related to my studies.
The rest of the time we were sort of free.

Visiting the islands on the coast of Marseille, conquer the village of Cézanne and climbing the mountains of 'Callelongue' to end with a magnificent view (the picture is my proof) were only a part of the adventure.

I truly had a great time with my friends.

love you all!

xoxo

Bright lights bigger city

the lights of the city, shining bright, behind me.
The darkness of the night envelloping me in the front.
It's ten o'clock and I'm standing on the beach.
To feel the sand underneed my feet and the water touch the tips of my toes,
the wind raging through my hair.
Only the sound of the waves, crashing on the shore.
Only some lonely lights of ships trespassing the blanket of darkness hat occupies my vision.

How would that feel? I wouldn't know because I can only feel part of it.
Also, my mind is too busy to actually enjoy the silence of the world at night.
Maybe I can kill it for a single moment, but then my shadow appears,
created by the city lights.
They call me back.

Some thoughts of mine when I was standing at the shoreline yesterday night.

What would be on your mind when you're standing where I stood?